Archive | June 2013

Waving The White Flag

Hello Readers! Well, I’m supposed to be released from the hospital today; I would usually be excited and more than ready to leave, but not this time. The reason I’m not is because I’m still having the same stomach problems. The Doctors all have different opinions on what the cause of the pain is, but they all agree that there is nothing they can do about it. I haven’t ate anything in the last 3 days, and I’ve been throwing up also. I know when I go home it’s only going to get worse. This has been a cycle for the past few years now. I just want one Doctor to come and actually try to figure out what the problem is, not guess. It’s so frustrating and draining coming back and forth to the hospital for the same problem. I already have to deal with having Sickle Cell, now I also have to deal with these terrible stomach problems. It’s one thing after another. I just want to disappear from it all, not have to feel anymore pain or visit anymore hospitals. I’m physically, mentally, spiritually, drained. I know God doesn’t put more on us than we can bare, but I feel like He’s pushing me to the max. I’m not a quitter, but I just feel like curling up in my bed and staying there. I’m only one person, my body can take only so much pain. I’m just tired, tired of it all. Sorry this blog is so gloomy, but it’s how I’m feeling right now, so…..

Life Lessons

Hello Readers! I hope all has been well with everyone. As for me, well, not so much. I’m still in and out of the hospital, due to the Sickle Cell Crisis’s I’ve been having; and now with my stomach problems on top of that, it’s almost impossible for me to stay out of the hospital for any long period of time. I’m trying to stay positive though, hopefully I’ll get a break from being in the hospital soon…fingers crossed. Anyway, I’ve really been trying to decide on whether or not I should write blogs when I’m not in the hospital and sick. I mostly only write when I’m hospitalized, but I think I’m going to change that (whenever I’m finally out of the hospital, that is). But, I didn’t want to wait any longer to write a blog, so I just decided to do another one while here. I mean, this IS supposed to be about my trials and tribulations of living with Sickle Cell, and that definitely includes being hospitalized so…..well, I wanted to just put my thoughts out there, and see what you all think. It seems the more I get sick and therefore have to be hospitalized, the more I think about life. Not just my life but life in general. When you’re stuck in a place of no forward motion (and for me that means not being able to move on in life because of my sickness) you’re really able to have a greater respect and appreciation for life. It’s funny how, when you’re in the mist of living your day to day life, you don’t realize how blessed you truly are. I feel like, because I’m constantly sick and in the hospital, my life has come to a standstill, in a metaphorical sense, that is. I find myself daydreaming about doing things that would seem, pretty mundane to others. Like going to church, spending time with my friends and family, going out, working…don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed or feeling sorry for myself, I just miss the act of actually LIVING life. I know there are people out there who has it worse than me, so I don’t have a right to be depressed or feel sorry for myself. I’ve really just been trying to take everything that has been going on with me, and examine it all and process it, so that I can receive the lesson that God has for me. It would be easy for me to just give up, and expect my life to always be this way, but I truly believe that in going through all that I am going through, He is preparing me for something greater to come. What that is, I have no idea; this of course, doesn’t mean that after I’m finally feeling better something great is going to happen, and I will never be sick again, of course not. I’m a realist, I know that this disease will be with me, and a part of my life, until the day I die. But I also know that, this isn’t it for me. When you’re sick so often, and have a lot of scary moments, what with: getting dangerous infections, possible blood clots, extreme crisis’s, surgery, blood transfusions, etc…of course, you think about death. When I think about death, it’s not something I fear, I just have a great amount of respect for it. I know this is my one and only life, and if this is where I’m supposed to be in life, then so be it. As long as I’m still able to live, I’m happy. Well, thanks for reading; so glad I did this blog, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Feel free to leave your comments, later Readers!